A Frantic Update

11/12/2020

Journal

Ooooooooh god, here we go! Things are feeling... I mean, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now. Struggling here... Again, because I think I've said it before, I don't know where to start. Everything's so important that I just... I freeze. I freeze for days or weeks, maybe months. Sure, I get into a zone here and there, but more broadly I'm just barely keeping my head above water.

So... some positives?

I'm err... I'm still working each month, less than I'd like but enough to keep the gears churning. Finding the time, as well as time with Ethan and time to relax and unwind... It's just hard. I could spend every free moment working.. maybe. I mean, I'd likely be distracted quickly by my partner, Becca, or our son, Ethan, or our friend who seems to frequently require people's attention, or a phone call, a knock at the door, a ping in the work chat... SO MANY THINGS! Finding the time for the core of my work is a bit tough, so I'm down to a handful of hours a month. But that's... that's okay. I mean it's stressful, but it's okay.

Ethan is an enormous priority anyway. Keeping him happy and learning is the most important thing. Even with him being home at the moment and cutting into work time as a distraction, I wish I could spend more time with him. Today, he was trying to pull me away from my desk to play while I ran some specs and pushed some code to the servers, so I just held his hand while doing that.

And then I feel guilty. Not for giving Ethan attention; if anything, he's the best thing to take my mind off other things. I feel guilty for working when I've... so many other things that also need to be sorted.

I've got...

  • Overdue rent
  • Overdue council tax
  • An application to complete for council tax reduction
  • Work still to be done
  • Invoices to be drafted and sent

Fucking...

  • Phone calls I'm too anxious to answer

Something like...

  • Over 12,000 unchecked emails (I get so much junk!!)

And then other debts and other bills...

  • General debt
  • Gas & Electric (one still has an amount owed, both have outstanding debt)
  • Water; we got the water bill recently

And obviously food and basic necessities and... all of this is just spinning in my head and it is, actually, physically nauseating.

So... it all needs sorting. Where do I start? Well...

  1. We've paid half of the overdue council tax and promised the rest by end of month
  2. I have two days to complete the council tax reduction application
  3. Overdue rent, I cannot pay until I'm paid... but I must call them and tell them what I'll be able to pay (it won't be the full amount, and I don't even know when I'll have it)
  4. Given that I need to get paid before I can pay that, those invoices need to go out
  5. I need to do an email purge... seriously
  6. Gas and electric are fine for now; we will be able to top both up again this and every weekend
  7. Water can be paid in installments; this is also... sort of fine, sort of okay
  8. General debt is so important, and yet... so fucking just... not as important as everything else; that one's gonna drive me crazy

Like, I've had phone calls about bills in the past and I've said, "well, I have 63 pence in my account right now," to be met with, "can you pay any today?" and had to reiterate... "sure... will you accept 63 pence?"

I'm not even sure if that's hyperbole my mind's so fried. The interaction is genuine, the amount may not be; whatever amount it was though, it wasn't enough. And I'm pretty sure it was for something fucking stupid, a service I was mis-sold that the seller never actually delivered on. Definitely happened, but that may have been another incident.

Look, I dunno! My head is fucking screaming at me constantly, but it also has no clue what to do.

I work from home because... well, many of us work from home right now... but I do it because it was easier for me to manage my disparate time this way, especially with a newborn (who's now 4) and being as I couldn't afford to move for work and that there was so little looking for my skills in the area. I work from home for a lot of reasons, and another big one now is Ethan; given his slow social development, I want to be home to be able to help him more. I work from home for all of these reasons, but it isn't without challenges.

Sorry, tangent.

So anyway, yes, so much to fucking do, so little to keep me afloat and I feel I'm sinking.

But I must...

  1. Make that call about rent - so important!!
  2. Finish this council tax reduction - also so important!

...and that's... that's the big two. An invoice I needed to send off is now sent, so... if that gets paid promptly, that's great. Either way, I do have to call about rent.

Can't do that right now though. I'm writing this blog post after midnight. I figured... I need to go over this, and when better than overnight when I'm unable to tackle certain obligations, so the others may come into focus instead. That make sense? It does to me. Essentially, I cannot figure out what needs doing first since so much of it always needs doing urgently, I can use the night to... sort of... take some strain off. Like, I can prioritise the rent right now - it is the most important thing - but having it not immediately on my plate does mean I can more sharply look at the whole picture. I dunno, maybe I'm wrong. I feel a little less like I'm going to implode at night, I mean. There are no interruptions, certain things I just have to wait until tomorrow to do.

This was a bad blog post. Sorry for venting. But man did I need it. 🤯